Don’t you dare talk about pain!

I never wanted to say this. I’m not the one who left. I’m not the one who let you feel rejected. You did that to yourself. Don’t use your guilt trip technique you use with other women on me because I’m not one of them. Unlike them, I know what you feel, I know what you think, I know how your heart beats, and I know the name you want to utter. So don’t tell me that I don’t know you because I know you better than you know yourself. You are settling. Settling for less, for number two and that’s what you’re making me feel. You think I don’t know what’s going on? I pretty damn know. You still love her. Her name haunts you every minute, every second and every breath. You haven’t moved on. You don’t want her to call you a loser for not moving on so you find ways to be with other women so she can never tell which is which. You don’t want to lay your armor down because you know you still have that bleeding wound and if you let your armor down, one more strike would bring your death. So, don’t you dare talk about pains because your pains aren’t even close to mine. You chose to be that way that’s why you’re stuck. Unlike me, I have accepted the fact that this is a triangle. You love her, I love you and no one loves me back, reason why I left. I left because I am hurting everyday, every second you talk about you and her. It is so degrading, really. To think that I am the other woman, the second, the less, it is hurtful I tell you. Aren’t you happy that I’m giving you an option? That I’m giving you your freedom and I ask nothing in return? I had so much faith in you when we were together so much faith that I placed you at my pedestal but you just threw it away and you’re not even thankful for it. I’m not stupid; I could see everything through your eyes. So what did you think I would say? You know, there were never neither us nor we. We were finished long before we started this masquerade. So why don’t you stop this enigma. Stand up and be a man. If you want her then settle things with her and stop hurting people. If you really don’t want her anymore, then forget about her and face your fears. No one wins without failing. Start a life without her, without grudges and pain, and without your extra baggages. Stop hesitating, start living, and start loving. Start a new journey. 

Maybe

          Will you elope with me?

An indecent proposal from the guy I loved from the past. We were young and reckless then. I loved him so much that I nearly said yes but I begun to think,  is love really enough?

Years have passed and I can say I made the right decision. I’ve seen my friends got pregnant, got married, eloped but they weren’t able to invest for theirs and their family lives first. And the main point is they’re not happy. I see them struggling through their lives coz money isn’t sufficient, emotions weren’t stable, and love, they forgot how to love each other. They were full of love then but it only proved me that love is never really enough. Not enough to buy diapers, food, or even your leisures. Love deteriorates through time. I have never known or even seen a couple that lasted. For some, even though it lasted, I can’t see the love and glitter in their eyes like they should be. I can’t see those sparkles, the magic. I asked myself, where did it go? Maybe it’s just me, thinking hopeless about the magic of love and relationships. Maybe, I haven’t really found the person that would really place that sparkle to my eyes, sweet smiles to my lips, beat to my heart. Or maybe, I’m just got hurt really badly in the past that I can’t seem to let go and heal. So many “maybe’s.” Well, maybe if someone would come along and find that magic with me, then maybe, I could write about love and magic and sparkles and smiles. Let’s see if I can say that love is enough by that time. Maybe, you could be the one to prove me that love is really enough.

OVERKILL

from http://www.mtbshorts.co.za

Have you ever done ONE mistake in your life then suddenly it became your stigma? Your badge of dishonor, that every time you fucking walk down the streets it seems like your naked with shame written all over your body? Well I do. I fucking messed up once big time and that mistake have never been erased to my system. I got over it for only days but people, gosh, particularly my family keeps on reminding me that I fucking messed up and they keep on repeating to me all over, every fucking day of my miserable life. I wanted to tear my ears so I couldn’t hear them anymore. Scoop my eyes so I can’t see them anymore. What they are doing is just overkill man! It’s bad enough that I failed and doing this to me is just mean. I’m trying to straighten up but how could I if they wouldn’t even give me a shot? They are my family, how come it’s so hard to get some support? Can’t they just drop it and move on? If they keep on digging the past how can I even convince myself that I’m a changed person? It was a mistake and I am sorry for what I have done. I can’t do anything about it now so please just drop it. Stop making me feel guilty every time because my coping mechanism is just deteriorating I might, one day get close to death. Hey, maybe that’s what they want! If I die, maybe their lives would be better, they won’t be thinking about me anymore. No more burden! Yes, I think it’s time to take matters on my own hands. I just might lighten up their crosses if I’m gone. What do you think? 

The Chicken Noodle Soup

There must be justice for the chicken who got killed in part of making that noodles! Blag! Blag! –The microwave doors being shut by my sister with force because of madness. Why is she mad? She’s mad at me because I ate her chicken noodles. I’ve been trying to have a conversation with her the whole night about different topics that could catch her attention but all I get was the slamming of the door, not saying a word, turning off any equipment I laid  Source: UNICEF Myanmar      my hands on and of course, ignoring me. Yes, she’s being a drama queen and yes, it’s me being a glutton. I really ate her chicken noodles okie. I did admit that to her but do you really have to show disrespect? I’m older than you! Gosh…don’t you worry dear, the chicken who died for that noodle soup died with dignity. That chicken is safe working its way on my digestive system, slowly turning into nutrients for my body. She [chicken] did her best being a chicken. She didn’t die in vain.

You know, the more I see you mad, my happy gland just triggers and starts to dance with gay. I find it funny coz small things make you go crazy and I like that a lot. So, I tend to eat more, tend to be greedy and sin from glutton because of your behavior. I just hope you realize that talking to me will definitely make your life easier OR if you do not really want to talk to me, just have notes posted all over your things and let me read it. Hey, it’s still a form of communication right?

Remember, the chicken died with honor fulfilling her fate. 

Sister

When you were away, I missed you and that I always wished that we could bond and spend time together. I even promised myself that I would do my best to be the greatest sister to you. I imagined you and me attending mass, hanging out at the mall, going out of town and eating meals together but now that you're here, we seldom do those things. I am disappointed to what's happening.

I know and It's pretty obvious that I could never win the "greatest sister" award but you see, we are family and that's what counts. I know that you're here with me because you're forced or because "it's necessary" or because our parents says so and you have no other choice. I wish you were here with me voluntarily and because you like to be with me.

There's something about me and you that just couldn't work but we could make it work if we try to communicate. I do hope one day we enjoy each other's company just like when we were kids.

Love Is All About Sacrifices And Compromises

We departed at the train station today. We went our separate ways and as I brought myself home, I wonder if when I'm gonna see you again.


We never spoke about love. We never spoke about us. I guess it was a mutual understanding that  you do love me, that we do love each other and that we are in love. I let you touch me in ways other men never did before. I accepted you with open arms even though I know that from the start, you haven't moved on with your past. You said you wanted to so I compromised. Months have passed and you said you did. I say, you haven't. It's because you still keep talking about her, about how she hurt you, about how she feels, about her medical condition and her current boyfriend, about how she keeps on communicating with you and about how much sacrifices you did for her. I'm hurting but I put the pain aside because this is what sacrifice meant. You said to me, "Love is all about sacrifices and compromises" so here I am proving you that love exists when you're with me. 



Tell me, where should I draw the line? I've given so much for you and all I ask is for you to forget the past and take the ride home with me but how can we move on if you won't let me? You're not walking beside me darling, from what I can see, I'm dragging you away from the past but you're hands are clenched on that baggage. You can't seem to let go. All I ask from you is to let go. And you still say, "Love is all about sacrifices and compromises?"  

As I walk down the streets, I asked myself, what would life be without you? I couldn't imagine life without you. Misery and pain is all I could foresee. It's like picking and reading my own tarot cards but all I keep on drawing are the cards of "The fool"--which shows my instability and the energy I have wasted on you.The fool who loves you even though it hurts badly. Maybe, it is not the right time for committing with you until you're wounds are healed.


The hermit--telling me that next time I have to be cautious and discreet. Think about the motives of people surrounding me.  Saying that now is the right time to stand back and reflect upon the circumstances and reach into my inner self. Maybe, I have to be isolated for a while. Be far away from you so we could heal.


Then comes the Three Swords Of Sorrow--exactly what I'm feeling--sorrow and extreme pain, separation, disruption and discord, heartbreak, tears, strife, conflict. Pain tells me that I must leave. Sorrow makes me weak. I can no longer stand more pieces get lost for I can't put them back together. Could it get any worse?


Oh yeah, it could especially when one draws the Death card. Leaving him would cause me both misery and death. I refuse to face the fear of losing him but I'm already exhausted. So maybe, I could view it differently where death would mean  a new beginning of life that could let me transform myself completely. The end of a phase in life which has served its purpose.  Maybe it's good to die and end this chapter  in my life where pain and sorrow dwells so I could start over and maybe, begin writing my happy ending.

This time, I believe, the Hanged Man is of importance because it meant that it's now the right time to devote my effort to a worthwhile cause. Let myself be flexible and be willing to adapt to changes.  Sacrifice in the present to reap benefit in the future.  A waiting period. Rebirth. Sacrificing one thing to obtain another.  Transformation.  I'm doing this because I love you and the only thing that would heal you is you. 

So before I reached my door, I thought, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I love you and that's what matters so if love is all about what you said, I would compromise: Let's agree and accept that we're better off separated now and see what fate will give us. Let ourselves be healed before we begin our journey so next the time we start, we're sure that we could finish the journey together no matter what. I would sacrifice: Leaving  you and living without you would be difficult and a painful process. I'm sacrificing this heart of mine. Take it so you are assured that you're the only one. Come back any time you want. You have a home with me. I love you Eleazar. I'll always will.

Symbols

Went to the temple

To praise and give thanks

Though time is so ample

Got to think, recall and trace

Trace where did I go wrong

And what made me this strong

But this coffin in front, confuses me

What this symbol pertains to be

This scenery scares me truly

Cause it may pertain to my incoming cavalry

Or maybe, I hope actually that it’ll end up peacefully

Life is such an enigma I say

Maybe I’ll understand it someday

I’ll just savor and perhaps enjoy this day

And greet myself a happy birthday